Mon 2 Jun 2008
2:00 a.m. and I can’t get to sleep. I have to be up for work in roughly 3-4 hours and I just can’t turn my brain off. I’m feeling stressed and sick to my stomach. This really sucks. I did wonderful all weekend - ate well, slept well, managed to stay relaxed. My family doctor gave me a prescription for some sleeping pills but I didn’t have to take any. Tonight I decided I probably wouldn’t need one so didn’t take one. Now it’s 2 in the morning and I’m beyond the point of taking anything to sleep now. If I did I certainly wouldn’t be getting up in time for work. Blah.
Big surgery day on Tuesday. I’m anxious and excited to go and get it over with. I’m a little worried about the pain but not so much. I know Dr. Mitton is the best and that I’m in good hands. I just want the process finished so I can begin healing.
I guess that’s why I can’t sleep. I’m not scared, I’m just anxious. Every time I get to the point where I think I’m relaxed enough to sleep another thought pops into my brain and keeps me up. The whole anxious feeling has my stomach feeling upset to the point that it’s turning. If I had anything in my stomach I would probably be getting sick right now it’s that bad. *Sigh*
Okay I wrote a letter last week to help me with getting through the recovery stage of the surgery. I just read it over and I’m feeling much better. I’ll paste the note here so everyone else can see what I wrote.
A note to me….
At the advice of Casper, this is a letter to help keep my spirits up when I know I will need it the most. I will be going for surgery in less than a week – June 3rd to be precise. It’s going to be painful and it’s going to be tough. My will power and strength are going to be tested. Not just on a physical level – but also on a psychological level. I won’t be able to eat regular foods for 3 months – I won’t be able to do any exercise at all for 4 weeks. After 4 weeks my exercise will be minimal – walking, light swimming, light elliptical. The word “weights” has to leave my mind completely, along with running and skipping. This is going to be really tough and challenging on me. I love to lift weights, I love to run – I love to skip. The thoughts of sitting around the house recovering and not being able to do the things I love depress me. The thought of drinking my meals for the next 3 months is scary. We are on the verge of the summer season. It’s a time to be active – get out there and have fun. I’m giving up a summer for this.
A few people have asked me why I didn’t wait until the winter to get this done or the fall. Simple reasons:
1) Putting it off means delaying my treatment. I want to get this over sooner rather than later. The entire process may take up to 3 years. Who wants to add 6 months on top of that? Not me!
2) The fall is a busy time of year at work. Students are starting classes – new employees are getting hired. It’s not uncommon to have over 100 account creations come in during a single day. I can’t afford to be missing at work during this busy time frame.
3) Did I mention I want this over with sooner rather than later?
So there are a lot of CANTs in this write up. Let’s start focusing on the positive and what I WILL be doing.
I am improving my physical appearance. No I won’t be lifting weights – no I won’t be skipping and running but I am working on other areas. My SMILE! I’ve wanted this for a VERY long time. It’s a dream come true and I’m making it happen. No more putting it off – it’s getting done. This is wonderful news and I need to remind myself that each day I get through this is progress made. Each day I recover I’m getting stronger and will be one step closer to the perfection I seek and back to my physical fitness routine. Three months isn’t a lot to sacrifice considering what I will get for the rest of my life. It’s worth it. The lack of exercise will be temporary – the smile will be forever. After that I will be unstoppable.
I plan to keep myself busy during my 3 months of recovery. I will be off work for 2 weeks. I plan on taking it easy, watching a lot of sappy romantic movies and getting rested. On top of that I will be playing my guitar, writing music and updating my blog. I plan on doing a lot of writing as long as I’m feeling up to it. J I already put the wheels in motion for a bigger plan that will take place October 5th, 2008. I’m putting a team together for the CIBC Run for the Cure. It’s a 5km walk or run. If I’m feeling better I will try to run it – if not I can walk it. Walking is allowed. J It’s a fitness goal - I know I can do it. 5 kms is easy but it will be good. I can keep busy raising pledges for my team and trying to recruit other members. At the moment we have 5 girls. We’re not sure what the limit is for team size or the exact requirement but it’s all in process. I can’t wait. Anyone interested in joining or pledging let me know!So let’s see – working on my smile – writing – reading – raising money for Cancer research – working. Sounds like I’m going to keep myself plenty busy.
What does everyone else have planned?
I don’t know if many people who read my blog are religious but if you believe in the power of prayer or positive thoughts then I would appreciate any good wishes you can send my way for a safe surgery on Tuesday!
I will keep everyone posted on how I get along!
Ciao
Kimmy
I have to say that all of my friends have been really great leading up to this entire procedure. A big thank you to Mario and Aaron for listening to be rant and whine over MSN. A big thanks to casper for offering advice on meals and the letter above. A big thanks to Nancy and Teresa at work for being like a mom and offering their advice - also thank you to Nancy for lending me the thousands of beads and jewelery making equipment to keep busy when I get home. 
A big thank you to my family as well for supporting me in this big decision. It’s going to be a rough 3 months but I know I will sail through it with the help and support of my family and friends. I love all of you so much and will owe you all big time when I get feeling better!
Alright I’m going to make another attempt at sleep and hopefully succeed.
G’nite!
